What Can you do to help your child to thrive?

Have you ever heard the term “Emotional Intelligence”?  It was a buzzword back in the ’90’s when the book by Daniel Goleman came out.  It continues forward into today on the website/movement Six Seconds.  As a global movement, it focuses on helping people to know themselves, exercise self awareness and self management and build others up in the process.  It is a natural tool for both teaching and parenting.

In a recent post on the website, Six Seconds describes what kids need to be able to thrive, and how you can support them in doing just that.

It basically breaks down three skills that kids need to flourish. The first is “engaging intrinsic motivation.”  In other words, doing something because they want to, not necessarily because you want them to! It’s inner motivation.  The second is “exercising optimism.”  This means the child has a sense of hope for the future.  And the third is “pursuing noble goals.”  This means they experience that it feels good to be part of a larger purpose.

Sounds like a tall order, eh?  Yes, but to help kids get there (and you, for that matter), they suggest a few simple steps for you to be aware of in your daily life with your little ones, on up to your teens.

1. Give kids the space and power to choose what they want.  Okay, within reason.  It means let them try that gymnastics class even if you think they are not coordinated enough.  It means letting them have more control in their lives at home and at school.  This is a building block of well being for all of us:  being able to choose what we think will work for us.

2. Model what it’s like to focus on these well being skills yourself.  What does that look like?  Try new things, follow your passions, get excited about doing something.  Let them see this in you.  For example, you don’t have to yell at the guy who cuts you off in traffic.  And if you do, you can point out that you maybe didn’t have to let that get you upset.  Find ways to take care of yourself.  Remember, they are ALWAYS WATCHING.

3.  Encourage your kids to have down time.  The lives of many kids, even preschoolers, can be very overscheduled.  Reexamine your family time and see if maybe just one activity at a time could be doable.  Model taking your own downtime.  Resist the pressure that can come from others.  Know what works for your family.

Finally, it should be noted that well being begins a downward trend from ages 7-18.  Practitioners of emotional intelligence want you to know that you can help your child develop these skills.  Their research and data appear on their website sixseconds.org.

 

 

Parenting the Highly Sensitive Child

We have lots of kids who come through our doors that parents describe as “sensitive.”  What does this mean?  The book The Highly Sensitive Child written by Elaine Aron, defines a sensitive child as… (from website)

A highly sensitive child is one of the fifteen to twenty percent of children born with a nervous system that is highly aware and quick to react to everything. This makes them quick to grasp subtle changes, prefer to reflect deeply before acting, and generally behave conscientiously. They are also easily overwhelmed by high levels of stimulation, sudden changes, and the emotional distress of others. Because children are a blend of a number of temperament traits, some HSCs are fairly difficult–active, emotionally intense, demanding, and persistent–while others are calm, turned inward, and almost too easy to raise except when they are expected to join a group of children they do not know. But outspoken and fussy or reserved and obedient, all HSCs are sensitive to their emotional and physical environment.

Sensitive kids require extra attention and modification from their families.  The best route to effective intervention is to accept them where they are and not try to change them.  You can try to change your approach to your child in some different ways, though, to keep things calmer at home and provide some much needed predictability.  Sensitive kids tend to get “triggered” more easily.  They are more emotional and struggle to not become overwhelmed.

For parents needing some peer support, this series of articles on the blog Scary Mommy is really helpful.  Raising a Sensitive Child and My Imperfect Child give perspective on what it’s like to raise a sensitive kid.  Some additional reading is a book that has been recommended by parents is by Ted Zeff called The Highly Sensitive Boy.

In any event, parents often confront a difficult issue with these sensitive (or “emotional” or “difficult” as frequently labeled) is how exactly to discipline them so as not to break their fragile spirits.  From the book and this article in Creative Child magazine, we have some ideas.

Firstly, there are discipline techniques that should definitely be avoided.  Shaming, by way of name calling and “why can’t you get this?” type of correcting are perceived very negatively by your sensitive child and be potentially very detrimental.  Teasing a sensitive child is bound to provoke their intense emotions and likely will not be felt in the playful nature that was intended.  Best to be direct.  Physical discipline is also devastating to sensitive kids and most childhood developmental specialists warn against using it with any kids.  Time outs likely will be perceived as being sent away by sensitive kids and can take an additional emotional toll.  Finally, being too permissive in an attempt to avoid tears or meltdowns is to be avoided as well.  Loving correction is best.

Discipline Techniques That Work Well:

• Be careful of your tone.  Loud does not mean you will be listened to any better, and to a sensitive child can be even more harmful.
• Connect first.  Remind your child you love them and gently tell them what your concerns are.  You don’t want to be perceived as threatening.
• No time outs.  Instead, take your child someplace that will help them to calm down and peacefully explain what went wrong and what should happen next time.
• Consequences should be mild.  Most sensitive kids will adjust their behavior based on their ability to see it displeases you and is not acceptable within the family.  Consequences that make them stand out are shaming and to be avoided.
• Follow up.  Have play time, and use positive language after the discipline has occurred.  This restores connection.

Hope these are useful to you and your family.

Ask any of our OT’s if you have questions or ask about our lending library for resources on sensitive kids.

 

Visual Timers

Why we use visual timers:

Visual timers are a great way to ease transitions for kids.  It lets them know how much time is left, mostly by color depending on the timer, so that they can be prepared when it’s time to end or say goodbye.  They can “check in” with the timer so that they know what to expect, instead of being startled by a “times up” right when they are having fun.  It’s also useful for a more dreaded activity like grocery shopping or a play, when the child wants to leave.  It gently reminds them how much time they have left.

So where can you find a visual timer for your child?

Right here. This is a list of physical timers.  But there are also many timers available as app’s from the App Store for Apple or Google Play for Android.  It’s often MUCH easier to have one on your phone, and there are many free options available.  When you have one on your phone, you can use it at the doctor’s office, at the store, anywhere.  Some kids may prefer a timer with bright colors, pictures or sound effects.  Ask your occupational therapist if you need help choosing one.  

1. Time Timers

Recommended by Autism and ADHD experts, Time Timer is one of the most popular visual timers available on the market. With an uncluttered interface, silent operation and optional audible alert this timer works great in almost any setting. Time Timers come in three, eight and 12 inch sizes, perfect for the classroom, in your home or on the go.
Price: $30-$40
Purchase at: TimeTimer.com

2. Time Tracker & Time Tracker Mini

Time Tracker is a great visual tool for children with special needs. Following along the lines of a traffic light, Time Tracker uses colors to notify a child that his or her time is almost up. Time Tracker features volume control, a pause feature and quick programming of the lights and sound effects.
Price: $26
Purchase at: Amazon.com

3. Time Tracker Mini

The Time Tracker Mini is a smaller more simple version of the Time Tracker. The Time Tracker Mini is half the size of the original Time Tracker (4.75 inches tall) and operates easily with just 2 dials. Alarm times on the Mini can be set from 5  minutes to 2 hours, in 5-minute increments.
Price: $15
Purchase at: Amazon.com

4. Talking Timer

The Lux Talking Timer offers the flexibility  to be used as either a precise clock or as a count up/count down timer. A clear spoken voice will announce the time of day or how much time remains until the count down elapses. You can set a timer for up to 23 hours and decide if you would like an audible alarm or not.
Price: $17
Purchase at: Amazon.com

5. Amco Color Alert Timer

While this timer was designed with the kitchen in mind, it can also be used for your child with special needs. The Amco Color Alert Timer is useful if you are looking for an inexpensive timer or looking for the added bonus of kitchen use. The timer is a 60 minute timer, that blinks yellow with 10 minutes left and red with one minute left.
Price: $17
Purchase at: Amazon.com

Above from an article on friendshipcircle blog.  Check it out!

You Know You’re an SPD Parent When…

These quotes are from a series posted on the Sensory Spectrum.  It’s grown to include more than seven installments, based on feedback from moms with SPD kids.  The Sensory Spectrum is always worth a look.

 

Finish this sentence… “You know you’re an SPD parent when ____.”

You’re happy your kid has his meltdown at home and not in the mall. – Jody P.

Living with SPD makes you more tolerant and accepting of other children’s special needs. – Jeannine T.

You always have sunglasses and ear plugs on hand. – Michele W.

You know what it is like to be judged by complete strangers who can’t understand why you would allow your child to leave the house wearing shoes but no socks. – Kate R.

When your child eats something new, it is so exciting! – Vanessa K.

You get excited in a pumpkin patch because your child got his face painted! – Angela L.

When you cheer loudly at the park because your 5 year old goes down a slide for the first time. – Amy S.

You haven’t dried your hands in a public bathroom for years because you’re not allowed to use the electric hand dryers. – Jennifer H.

You rejoice when your child comes home and says “today was a good day mummy” and you so hope it was. – Nicki G.

You have a therapeutic brush in the lounge room, car console and day bag. – Lucia B.

You can spot another child with SPD in a crowd – Nanda G.

You automatically put your hands over your child’s ears when the train is coming – Jeannine G.

You find gum on clearance and buy EVERY SINGLE PACK and then wonder if that will last you the next two weeks….

You have to constantly rub his back or hand just to get him to sit still at church for an hour – Manal J.

You use words and phrases like “crazy body” “safe hands” and “big squish” – Amanda L.

You spend a 1/3 of your time avoiding the meltdown. A1/3 of the your time managing the meltdown and the final 1/3 recovering from it! – Karen M.

You run everywhere instead of walking – Meagan W.

When you plan a quiet room for every relatives house – Amy S.

When you don’t even bother asking your six year old to put on sweats and just let him go to the grocery store in his PJs. (Or Target. Or the library.) – Jennifer H.

 

What do you have to add?

Executive Function: What does it mean?

The skills that make up executive functioning are strong indicators of future life success.

Executive Functioning is the latest buzzword that parents have been hearing lately.  EF is made up of many smaller skills that make up the bigger picture.  In the illustration above, from a recent Parents magazine article, you can see how these skills are imperative to being able to get along with other kids, follow through with an idea, become familiar with rules and expectations, self monitor behavior and stay focused on the task at hand.  Phew!  Takes a lot of energy.  Some kids have difficulty with these skills for a variety of reasons including having a diagnosis of autism or ADHD or even dyslexia.  Children (and adults) who don’t have a formal diagnosis can still struggle with EF, and it’s the therapist’s and parent’s work to help bridge the gap.

When your child is in preschool, their brains are developing executive functioning simply by playing with other kids.  For young kids, EF is learned and integrated when kids are able to “use their words” or utilize language when dealing with a problem.  If they have a problem which they can’t solve, they get adult help.  Or they figure out that the game the other kids are playing looks just as fun as the one that was just snatched up by an unwelcoming group.  When a child acts out under these conditions or alternately retreats, then they made need some assistance developing EF skills.

“Executive Functioning is the brain wrestling with it’s emotions.” –  Walter Gilliam, PhD.  Yale University

When a child is mastering executive functioning, they are simultaneously learning to deal with emotions which can make for an explosive mix.  Because studies suggest that self regulation can be a better indicator of future success than SAT’s, it’s worthwhile to invest time in some proactive strategies.  The following ideas are some which have been taken from a variety of sources, but check with your healthcare provider if you have questions.

Choose a school that emphasizes executive function in their curriculum

Look for words like “child centered” and “play based” when selecting a school.  For older kids, look for teachers that see themselves less as dictators and more as facilitators of the process.  Good schools know that emotions and behavior are part of learning just as numbers and facts are.

Tell stories

Kids who listen to stories, make up their own or even listen to an audiobook aren’t relying on visual material.  They have to rely on their memory and how they feel about the story to hold it in mind and keep engaged.

Be a good role model

Ask questions when you don’t understand, talk out loud when attempting to solve a problem.  Go to yoga when you are stressed, then come home and say how the silence helped you figure something out.

Point out an accomplishment

Let your child know when you see them controlling their impulses.  Your preschooler is about to throw the remote when she is told she can’t watch her favorite show.  But instead, she puts it down and starts playing something else.  Tell her she made a good choice.

Patience is a virtue…

When your child learns to wait, something often tough to do in our culture, they are also stopping themselves from doing something else that could be negative.  Like, stomping their feet, yelling or running away.  Modeling patience is helpful too.  Remember that the next time you are stuck in traffic…

Discipline and perseverence

We can learn these skills by doing them.  Over and over and over again.  Just like that episode of Sesame Street that they watched a thousand times.  Younger kids love repetition.  Older kids need a bit more novelty, but repetition is needed nonetheless.

Executive Function isn’t really anything new, although it’s experiencing a resurgence in the media right now.  Ask your OT if there’s anything particular to your child that you can do at home.

photo from Parents Magazine

 

 

 

Self Control/Self Regulation: What does it all mean?

In the clinic, we often refer to self regulation or self control as an important skill for kids to develop.  Why?  In our media-saturated culture, our kids often have trouble switching gears.  They focused on that little noise when the heat kicks on or so entranced in a game that they can’t even hear you calling them.  We want our kids to be independent, but in order to do that, they have to be able to put distractors aside so that they can focus on something more important, like playing with a sibling or doing their homework.  Not so easy.  But there are some ways kids can practice self control.  Try some of these ideas in your home and see what works for your child.

1. )  Follow a recipe or start a new game.  Each requires step by step instruction.  It has to be a game your child really wants to play or something they really want to eat.

2.)  They must learn to wait for you.  Don’t drop whatever you’re doing because your child is jumping up and down to get your attention.  The world won’t stop for them so they need some practice waiting.  This may be harder for you than it is for them, but worthwhile.

3.)  Use a timer!  We use one all the time in the clinic.  A visual timer (red denotes the time until the activity is finished) is useful for kids who can’t read numbers.  They know how much time is left and can see it pass.

4.)  Remind them you can help if they need it.  Try not to ask, just inform that you are there if needed.  Questions are often stressful when a child is trying to do something difficult.  Take turns.  Or start and let them finish.

5.)  Start a project that will take an extended amount of time to complete.  Plant a garden.  Work on a Lego Challenge.  Sign up for a race together and train for it.  This teaches patience, and that steady effort and consistency is required.

6.)  Look in the mirror.  You are your child’s greatest teacher.  If you fly off the handle easily or are quick to give up when challenged, consider how your behavior looks to your child.

7.)  Give them some ideas if they are all out.  Tell them you can give them some ideas if they are open to it.  (Post coming up on “coping strategies”)  Suggest getting a drink of water or going out to climb their favorite tree.

8.)  Don’t expect more than their age can deliver.  If a tired toddler is dragged into a supermarket, you really only have yourself to blame!  Set reasonable expectations and your child will be more likely to meet them.

9.)  Give them some down time.  This can’t be overstated.  Research suggests that children who are over-scheduled are more likely to have meltdowns than those who are given more free time during the day.

10.)  Know when to do nothing.  When your child is demonstrating some self control, let them.  The only thing you need to do is give them positive reinforcement for doing so.

Thanks to yourtherapysource.blogspot.com for ideas for this post.